#41 - “Letters to the Church” – TWO

What Makes Faith Real – Part 2

No One Is "Fine" In A War! - “Be kind. Remember EVERYONE [caps mine] you meet is fighting a hard battle." - T.H. Thompson

Imagine: It’s a typical Sunday morning after the worship service. As usual, you are walking through the crowd of familiar faces. As you walk up to someone, shake their hand and say, “Hi, how’re you doing?” And the person replies, not unexpectedly, “Fine” and they walk away. After several encounters like this, you get in your car and head home. As you leave, you hear the Holy Spirit say to you, “So, what did you learn about the others in your church this week?” Immediately, the word “fine” pops in your head and you realize that you really didn’t learn anything at all about anyone else in your body of Christ. You realize that for all intents and purpose, you might have well met strangers after attending a music concert.

I don’t know about you, after any worship service –especially at a church I am a member – its come to where if I hear someone say they are “fine,” I am tempted to scream! In the August 31st entry in his devotional “Daily in Christ,” Neil and Joanne Anderson write: “Other than Himself, God’s primary resource for meeting your needs and keeping you pure is other believers. The problem is that many go to Sunday School, church, and Bible study wearing a sanctimonious mask. Wanting to appear strong and together, they rob themselves of the opportunity of having their needs met in the warmth and safety of the Christian community. In the process they rob the community of the opportunity to minister to their needs.” It’s as though to be recognized as a “good” Christian among other believers, the idea permeates the body that, while we ALL have struggles in our walk with God, it’s just not “socially correct” when with other Christians to be transparent. I’m not talking about unburdening yourself necessarily to everyone you meet at a Christian gathering. But certainly, we should feel comfortable to share how we’re really not “fine” when someone asks us how we are.

I will never forget visiting a church during a time of great turmoil in my life. After the service, I happened upon a friend I had not seen in awhile and began sharing with him the things I was struggling with. Not having had anyone else to share with in awhile, I suddenly became overwhelmed with emotions and before I knew it, I burst out crying so hard that my body not only began to shake, but I found myself falling at his feed crying. After awhile, I noticed that he had not said anything and frankly, might not have known what to say. That was “fine” with me (really!) because all I had needed was someone to just listen to me and allow me to unburden myself. But as helpful as that experience was for me, do you know what was the unexpected result? Someone in the church saw my outburst and reported it to the youth minister whom I had approached about helping with the youth group. Several days later, that youth minister called me, and he stunned me by saying that they could not have someone who had emotional issues as I working with the youth. When he said it, I was so stunned I couldn’t respond. But later, I was so incredulous, afraid I might “get emotional” and lose my temper over the phone, I emailed that youth minister. I simply told him that I was exactly the kind of person he needed to be helping him with the church youth. The youth – and adult Christians as well – need the example of someone who was real about their struggles. What the Church doesn’t need are people who wear the spiritual mask of “The Super Christian.” Sadly, he still saw me as a potential liability rather than an asset and refused to let me work with the youth. (I never returned to that church.)

The Andersons also say: “We all have basic human needs to feel loved, accepted, and worthwhile. When these needs go unmet, it’s very important that we express them to our family members and fellow Christians in a positive way and allow others to minister to those needs. [This is what I find especially insightful.] I believe that one basis for temptation is unmet legitimate needs…By denying the fellowship of believers the privilege of meeting your legitimate needs, you are acting independently of God. You are vulnerable to the temptation of thinking that you can have your needs met in the world, the flesh, and the devil.” I ran across this by chance when I attended a weekly neighborhood gathering while visiting another church. Sometime during the discussion on prayer, the elderly gentleman sitting next to me that I had met just minutes earlier suddenly burst out saying, “I’ve been mad at God since last year when He didn’t answer my prayers for my sick friend last year and he died.” As I reflect back on that statement in light of the Andersons’ teaching, I realize that that man had held in that pain until somehow the discussion that night awakened it and gave him an opportunity to express it. Because of his disappointment with God, that man had been led by Satan to believe the lie that God did not really care for his friend, allowed him to die, and so that man had a right to be mad at God. (Unfortunately, that’s not exactly what I shared with that man but at some future time I will share what I did about how God ALWAYS answers prayer.)

I believe every church sanctuary, every youth group meeting room should have the above quotation over their door: “Be kind. EVERYONE you meet is fighting hard battle.” I agree with John Eldridge. The Christian life is a continuous war – against our fleshly desires, the world’s values, and Satan’s lies. If a Christian is not struggling in some way, than he/she has surrendered in some way. Whenever we are among other believers, we need be feel free to be vulnerable, to not feel that somehow we need to “not bother others with our problems.” We need to ask ourselves if our hesitancy to be vulnerable with others does not reveal the problem of pride in our lives and that we just might have fallen for Satan’s lie – that others will reject us if we are honest with them.

SUGGESTIONS: So how do we create an environment of vulnerability? Well, I believe it might start with the leaders – beginning with the pastor – feeling free to be vulnerable in front of the rest of the church body. Individually, when someone asks us, “How are you doing?” we should begin to catch ourselves if we reply with a simple “Fine.” We could say something like, “You know, I have been struggling with this one thing. Do you have a few minutes I could share it with you?” Afterwards, you could just thank the person for listening to you share and then ask if that person could briefly pray for you. In this way, you’ve demonstrated that it’s okay to be vulnerable AND you’ve given the other person the chance to minister to your need in the best way possible – by lifting you up to God’s throne. Then afterwards, you might ask the person if THEY have something they would like to share and that you can join them in praying about. (If they happen to be in a rush, you can also offer to call that person later in the day to share over the phone.) In my mind, THIS is when real Christian community takes place, THIS is real Christianity. (I believe that tens of thousands are leaving evangelical churches each year in part because people do not sense a real community of caring in the midst of seeker-friendly services and flashy programs.)

An “I dare you to try this” suggestion. Many years ago, I became aware of how little I got to know people on Sunday mornings. And so one Sunday, after the service, I made a point of walking up and introducing myself to the brother of one of the members who was visiting that day. After he told me his name, he started to release his grip on my hand that he had been shaking and was turning to greet someone else. Well, I decided I just wasn’t going to let go of his hand and continued to engage him in conversation. I remember the stunned look on his face as I was not acting “socially correct.” But despite his being uncomfortable, I just asked him question after question trying to learn all I could. We must have been standing there for at least 5 minutes (way beyond the “acceptable” time of no more than 15 seconds) before I finally let go of his hand. Throughout that conversation, I had to fight to keep a straight face because I was so tempted to burst out laughing as I literally had that poor guy prisoner. I just wouldn’t settle for a quick “greet and release (the hand you’re shaking).” If I ever meet you at a Christian gathering, if you shake my hand, I am hereby warning you not to expect a quick “shake and release.” It’s not going to happen.

A Final Suggestion: During the typical church service, there is always the time when everyone is invited to stand and greet the people around them. Well, for a change, what if people were asked to introduce themselves to one person they have either never met or do not know very well. Then, they would each be required to learn two things about that person: 1) their favorite movie of all time (or some such icebreaker question, and 2) what was the one thing they prayed about the most. (If the person says they are not (yet) a believer, you could ask them what they would have most liked someone to pray for them during the past week.) Finally, each person, in turn, would pray no more than 30 seconds for the other person. Later, the pastor or worship leader might ask someone to share what he or she learned about the person they met and what they prayed for them about. That would give a whole new meaning to the usual time of greeting during a service. And, I might be wrong, but that just may be the part of the service that a visitor most remembers and might most incline him/her to return. After all, the one thing someone visiting (as well as any human being) wants to experience is a sense of feeling accepted and loved.